The Health Conundrum

What EXACTLY is going on with me?

2009-07-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like my skin has gotten worse in the last few days...but maybe that today is showing a little progress. I started several new supplements in the last week so it could be any number of these things either working incorrectly or "detoxing" my body. I just want to fast forward to the future...because eventually this has to go away, right?

I looked back at some of my old pictures today, comparing how my skin progressed and how my weight changed, trying to picture what it will be like to be there again. I looked at one specifically that I took right when I started the bio-identical treatment...it was my "before" picture with no makeup, hair pulled back. It's really a terrible picture. But when I look in the mirror, my skin is 100x worse today than it was that day. And that picture alone makes me want to stop all this stuff that I'm doing and taking.

Maybe my body just needs a break. Maybe this was the worst decision.

You know what, I'm making the executive decision today to go off all this stuff. Or at least most of it. If it doesn't work, then I can also go back on them. But I think I need to do this for me...I need to try.

I won't stop everything cold turkey, because that would just be stupid. And I don't want to end up in the mood swings, pain, and overwhelming fatigue again...so I'll slowly wean myself off the major factors that changed in the past year or so. The supplements and vitamins, all the other crap.

Guess I need to go figure out what to go off first...

Long Time, No Progress?

2009-07-20T16:03:00.001-07:00

Well I've let the blog totally get pushed to the side here, haven't I? School, work, my health, everything else takes precedence. But I'm back today to update on what's been going on with my health issues in the past few months.

I've had lots of ups and downs over the past year and a half (since starting the bio-identical treatments). Stressful times make things worse. And we've changed so many different things with what medicines I'm on, how I take them, and all this other stuff that I can't even keep track anymore.

So about a month ago I decided to start going off some of these things, to simplify. The reason being that I'm not seeing the progress I want and actually backtracking on some things...so it seems right to me to just slowly cut some things out and we can add them back later. I mean, it's been years since this started...what's a few months going to hurt?

As you know, my skin had gotten considerably better last summer...I'd done a yeast free diet, was just starting the progesterone, and all that jazz. But since then, my skin has actually worsened considerably. Since about February, I've seen the worst acne I've ever had in my life. And we've tried changing and moving things but nothing seems to help.

My fatigue comes and goes, sometimes worse and sometimes much better. My joint pain is down considerably still. All my other symptoms remain about the same with my period...still irregular, still painful, still having headaches. Some symptoms have cleared and I'm very thankful for that...but I'm wanting my skin to clear the most.

So right now, I'm on a mission to get that to happen. Once my skin is clear, I will slowly try to adjust the other things if I feel it's necessary.

Last month, I went off my cortisol...slowly. I've experienced some fatigue increase from that, but I hope my body adjusts soon. Also taking a supplement that is supposed to counter act that, we'll see if it helps. I haven't noticed any other changes...good or bad from going off.

I've lost weight (I'd gained the pounds I'd lost last summer back) so I'm down about 8 pounds right now and still working to get the rest off. It takes a decent diet and lots of working out to get the pounds off, but I'm loving the way I look and feel with my new body. Although I think its easier to lose weight when I've got hormonal help, I don't think the reason is because of the supplements or hormones.

This month I'm starting two new supplements (DIM and Vitex Extract) for my hormones. I just started those in the last week. They are supposed to regulate the androgens and how my body uses progesterone/estrogen. Supposedly, this might be the answer for my acne and irregular periods. Even if I could get my periods on a more regular schedule (not necessarily a 28 day cycle), I'd take it. Right now, they are all over the place with them increasing and decreasing my progesterone. And I'm sick of it.

Which brings me to my next supplement change. I'm going off the progesterone for now...seeing how I do (maybe 2 cycles) then I'd like to slowly add a little in. If the Vitex works correctly, I shouldn't need any. But we'll see.

Everything else is about the same...I'm trying to keep a weekly log of any supplement changes I make along with where my skin and fatigue rate on a scale of 1-10. I'm hoping that might give me a better idea of what's causing these changes (if I see any progress).

If this doesn't work, I might stop everything (slowly again) completely and see how I do. I've thought over the past months...what if my body "righted" itself and now I'm the one screwing it up? I'm taking all kinds of things that mess with my hormones, so it's possible. And I'm at the end of my rope with this acne and fatigue. I just want to get back to who I was 5 years ago...not wearing much makeup, not worrying about people looking at me differently, not feeling like I was in the middle of puberty when I'm supposed to be heading into my "prime."

So here's to hoping that things change!

Setback or Failure?

2008-07-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

Recently, all my old symptoms seem to have taken over my life again. My joint pain, the fatigue, the malaise.

For the past few weeks, I've slowly noticed how I went from feeling much better to feeling much, much worse. Right now, I am sitting here on the edge of just passing out from the fatigue. I am exhausted. And I've been sleeping, resting, and trying to eat well.

Everything seems to be falling down around me because of this. I feel like I knew it in the beginning, when I told myself not to set all my hope on this. Is this failure? Or is this just a setback?

Lovin' It

2008-07-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

I have two great strides of progress in this journey to health and I'm so excited!!!!

My skin is clearing up amazingly. I'm still having breakouts, but not nearly as many and they are clearing quickly. There is still the scarring that hasn't healed from previous breakouts, but that's hopefully going to eventually lessen as well. I did one microdermabrasion which helped with skin tone and texture. I'm getting another tomorrow and hoping that will lessen the scarring as well.
I've lost weight! For the first time in 2 years, I've lost a considerable amount and kept it off for several weeks now. I'm soo excited for this! I haven't noticed a real difference in my appearance, but my mom has said that it's noticeable. So now I'm on a trip to lose even more weight! And I'm hoping that it will be a fairly easy process...

I can't pinpoint exactly what has caused these. It could be the pills, it could have been the diet, it could be other things.

I know one change that I am making in my life is drinking this juice called MonaVie, which is a blend of 19 different fruits including acai (an amazing Amazonian berry). It's shown considerable health benefits in many major research areas, including lessening the risk for cancer and heart disease. On top of that, many of its major benefits are directly against diabetic complications. So I am completely sold on this juice! A lot of the people drinking it are sleeping better, have more energy, have lower blood pressure, plus they just FEEL BETTER! I'm lovin' it.

Increase is Progress

2008-07-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

They increased my progesterone doses. I'm quite excited for that to be done. I went through two cycles like they wanted. Both of them I was late by more than 8 days. I also had all of my typical symptoms associated with my period (cramps, headaches, appetite changes, tenderness, acne, etc). So now I'm taking 3 pills instead of the 2. It's a minute change to me, but I'm hoping even a SLIGHT improvement will show progress.

All my other pills have stayed the same. I'm still on 2 cortisol, but I haven't seen much improvement with what they tell me is "adrenal fatigue" symptoms. I have noticed weight changes so that could be a bonus from that.

I'm taking L-Tyrosine for my thyroid. So far it looks like I'm just having trouble using the thyroid properly if the thyroid really is the issue. I haven't noticed much change in that. Typically, I was feeling less fatigue, but that's changed in the last few weeks. Stress has got me down.

I've been sick and my blood sugars are running crazy so I'm not sure exactly what's causing these things. I'm hoping that within a few weeks, my stress levels will go down and my life will get back on track. Summer is way too stressful for me. I'm disorganized. I'm making changes. I'm working all the time. I have no life. I have no time to do anything important (sleep, shower, work out). It's frustrating because it's really taking a huge toll on my diabetes, but I'm just having to push through and hope it works out in the end.

Stay tuned to see what the new progesterone does for me. Gee, I need a change.

When I Just Want to Sleep

2008-06-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've felt incredibly and unexplainably tired. I'm sleeping enough (not sure how well I'm sleeping though). But I just feel like all I want to do is sleep.

The diet is going. That's about all I can say. I made a lot of my own changes to what I could or could not eat, and I've splurged quite often but not too often. It's been a wreck on my blood sugars (having me run low constantly or high for days). It's just a balancing act, but I will certainly be glad when I'm not concerned about what I eat.

I want to eat fairly close to the diet after it's done (July 1) just because it will be better for my health and weight. But I don't want to be tied down to having to eat certain things or not eat certain things. The guilt gets to me.

I am noticing some more differences in my health (maybe they are all in my head, but who knows really?) I feel like my hair is slowly looking better and falling out less. My skin is better, but not perfect and definitely goes back and forth. Everything else seems about the same.

I'm still holding out till I go to the appointment (and I have a few calls and medicine changes in the coming weeks) to see what this is all going to do. I really would like to be healthy, but I still just can't settle on it being done. It doesn't seem fathomable. And it seems like SOOO much work to get there and stay there (the diet, the pills, the habits). I don't think any of this would be as bad if I didn't already have diabetes to deal with. That is such a daily hassle that it's like, seriously...what else can you throw at me? Want to challenge me? See if I'll break?

Go ahead.

You're WHAT?!?!?!

2008-06-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

Dieting.

That's right, a diet. I'm on the yeast free diet portion of the program through Hotze Health and Wellness Clinic.

I'm eating mostly fruit and vegetables, nuts, grilled chicken, turkey meat, brown rice, red or sweet potatoes. I'm not allowed to have anything with vinegar, dairy products of any kind, artificial sweeteners, sugar, yeast (obviously!) and a whole list of other things.

So far I've splurged a few times and had ice cream. Dairy, sugar and fat. OH MY!!! But I don't particularly care (okay, maybe a little). I want this diet to work, but at the same time I'm struggling with it.

My blood sugars are either low or somewhere between 150 and 180. I can't seem to get my insulin adjustments made where I don't end up in one extreme or the other. It's quite frustrating. If only I wasn't diabetic.....yes, that's another thought.

I don't feel any physical relief of symptoms (but I'm only on day five). I have noticed a little change in my weight, just that it isn't jumping five pounds in one day. I think the most I've gained in one day was two. And I'm drinking gallons and gallons of water!

Since this week, I started back in my work out routine (I'm aiming for working out 2 times a week and fast walking 3 times a week), I feel that I might just actually lose some weight. I mean I'm barely eating any calories and working out! How could I not?

I'm crossing my fingers this whole thing is worth it. Until July 1st I'll be strictly on this diet (minus my slips with the ice cream), so for a month of torture, I better see some dang results!!!

Difference(s)

2008-05-27T12:05:00.001-07:00

Shortly before starting the new treatment, I was noticing that I would often be hungry. It was not normal, growing/starving college kid hunger. It happened every few hours despite what I had eaten throughout the day. It was also very prevalent about 30 minutes after a meal.

I watched for blood sugar trends during these times, but nothing seemed to be off kilter. I couldn't pin point it to stress, exhaustion, dehydration, or any other "normal" cause for hunger. I was getting my daily caloric intake, mostly in filling foods. I wasn't particularly gaining weight because of it. Most of the time, I wouldn't eat except for my 3 basic meals a day and a few snacks. This growling, distracting hunger would go unquenched.

Once I started the treatment, my hunger suddenly disappeared. I would feel full. I wouldn't be hungry directly after eating a good meal. I could eat and enjoy life without hearing that growling pit.

After two weeks on the progesterone, I had to go off. (It's given cyclical so you're on it for two weeks and then go off for two and so on and on.) These are the weeks that I am off the progesterone.

And guess who is back? My hunger! So I have finally noted a major difference that can be celebrated! I'm hoping that as time goes on and we continue to increase the progesterone, my hunger will fade completely during all four weeks of the month instead of just the two progesterone filled ones.

It is nice to note a difference, however still disappointing that my major issues (weight loss, acne, hair growth, irregular/painful periods, fatigue) have not been overcome.

The Need for a Child

2008-05-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

There are two sides to this aspect of the story. There's a positive, there's a negative. There's everything in between.

I'm talking about the absolute, overwhelming need for me to be a mom. Since I was little, like many other girls, I carried around baby dolls, dressed the cats up and held them like an infant and dreamed of the day I got to be the mom. My dreams and pretend life went deeper than most other girls. This wasn't just a role I was socialized to fill. This wasn't just a job that I idolized because I wanted to be like my own mother. This was a need, a longing, a love. The kind of need and longing you have that cannot be filled by any other thing except that thing. The kind that leaves you incomplete until it's come to pass.

Being diabetic, it's always been realistic for me to think that getting pregnant and fulfilling my need could be difficult. It's always been a fear that I woudn't be able to carry a pregnancy to full term. The risk for micarriage and premature birth as a diabetic is not minimal.

But with the recent developments in my health, a new fear and a new reality has hit me. Anovulatory syndrome (or polycystic ovarian syndrome) is plainly a lack of ovulation in my body. It doesn't make it impossible to conceive or impossible to carry the baby to term. I am not saying it's impossible. But I am saying that it adds to the risk of miscarriage, infertility and premature birth.

If I add both diabetes and anovulatory syndrome into my baby need, I'm not looking at such an easy or bright future in pregnancies. Oddly, I'm not as upset about that as I expected myself to be. Maybe because there is still hope in my mind. Maybe once I actually start trying to conceive and nothing happens or I have a miscarriage, maybe then it will hit me.

The other side of this story is the genetics and the risk on my own body. Should I even have a baby? Should I put myself through that? Should I put a baby through that? Should I risk my life with the complications that will arise? Should I risk a baby's life as it has to fight against diabetes and anovulatory syndrome?

This is the side of the story I'm not comfortable with. It's the side of the story that everyone's opinion differs on, even my own opinion differs on. There are options if I choose not to have a baby myself (surrogacy, adoption). But that doesn't fill my need to have a child myself. Yet it also leaves my conscious unclear as to what the best option is for myself, my child and my family.

Only time will tell if these medicines straighten my anovulatory syndrome out. Only time will tell what my future husband thinks of the risk, pregnancy, adoption. Only time will tell.

Falling Back

2008-05-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been pretty disappointing. I'm feeling like I used to feel every day. The nausea, the joint pain, the headaches, the fatigue, everything.

I was driving home from work yesterday and could barely keep my eyes open. I slept over seven hours, so there was no reason for me to be so tired. Especially when driving in rush hour traffic. Luckily, I made it home safely.

I had some chest pain Thursday night as well, which was very bothersome and a little frightening. It wasn't like the panic/anxiety pain I'd felt before (which was centered in my chest beneath my breast bone). This was to the left, almost completely on the side of my rib cage. It lasted a few hours, went away, then came back for a little while longer. I haven't felt over stressed, or really stressed at all, so I can't seem to put the pieces together.

It's like all these medications aren't helping at all. I know they quoted me two to three months before feeling better, but it's been almost a month now and I feel the same. I wanted to have a slight difference, something to give me hope. Everyone was hoping for that, everyone is mad that it isn't working yet.

The fact that other people are mad about me not getting better is kind of upsetting. I do feel that my health has become this ordeal, that people are worried and concerned for no reason. I feel like a burden at times, other times I feel like I should keep it quiet more than I already do. I should just get over it. But I realize that those are just human reactions. I deserve to be honest about my health. I shouldn't have to hide the fact that I'm in pain or tired or just feeling down.

If I just could see a glimpse of hope from these medications. I'm starting the yeast free diet in June, so I'll be eating better and detoxing my body for a month. I should feel worse at that point, then better after about the third week. Or so I've been told. After that, I hope I feel considerably better.

I promise myself that I will give this at least three months (so three complete rounds of medicine) before even thinking about giving up. After three months, if I don't feel any different or better, I have a doctors appointment with them and I'll discuss going off of everything. I feel that six months is a decent deadline. By six months, the medicine should be working to some extent. I don't feel that's too much to ask. I don't see that people would pay for this treatment (it's quite expensive) if it didn't work faster than half a year. We'll see. As of now, I refuse to give up some hope, but I'm still not settling that it's certainly going to work.

Progress Or Not

2008-05-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

Last week I had to cut down the thyroid medicine that I'm on because I randomly got heart palpitations (something I'd never experienced before). So now I'm back on it, but starting slower. It really frustrated me because now I'm set further back from increasing the doses and getting better.

I haven't felt any significant change in any area. I am sleeping longer and waking up less, but still not feeling all that rested when I wake. My joint pain is still there. I'm getting headaches on a regular basis. And my first period since starting is already late.

I did receive the test results yesterday from the doctor, which was kind of informing. My Vitamin D levels are low, as well as my cortisol levels. So I do have the adrenal fatigue as well as borderline Vitamin D deficiency. For some reason, my vitamin levels seem to run low (at least the ones that they've checked) because my B12 was low last year too. I'm not surprised that my D is low because it's hard to obtain enough from food and I never go out into the sun much (too fair skinned to do that). The B12, I thought it was an absorption problem because I eat enough of the foods that contain the B12.

I've yet to start the yeast free diet. I keep putting it off because it's going to be very difficult. I can't do it exactly like they want to, so I keep thinking to myself, "What's the point?" But I guess a closer diet to the yeast free would be better than my regular diet. I don't eat poorly, but I don't refrain from most things that I want.

I haven't lost any weight either, which I'm very disappointed in. I was expecting to at least drop some pounds. I'm not eating as much lately because I feel full faster (I think that's from the progesterone). And I increased my exercise some.

Overall, I'm just disappointed that I haven't felt much change. I know they said it would take a few months to truly see and feel a change, but I was just wanting to feel something different. Something better.

We'll continue to watch it and see what happens.

starting on the program

2008-05-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

The doctor went well. I am on so many medications now though, that I'm not sure how I feel about it all. All the medications are natural, so I'm not worried about putting things in my body that shouldn't be there. I'm just kind of aggravated that I'm having to take so many pills a day. Here's the run down of what I'll eventually be taking (they start slow so I add each thing one day at a time):

Morning: thyroid, progesterone (2 weeks out of the month), 2 cortisol, 2 vitamin D, fish oil, ioderal, multi-vitamin, 2 inositol

Evening: multi-vitamin, progesterone (still 2 weeks out of the month), 2 vitamin D, fish oil, 2 inositol

Bedtime: 2 5-HTP

There are also several pills that I will be on for a month while I do a kind of detox program (yeast free diet). But since they are only a month, I'm not putting them on here in detail. Those are an added 12 pills a day though.

So far, I don't feel much of a difference. All the hormone levels are starting out on the first level and I'm supposed to increase every couple of weeks until I feel good. I started the 5-HTP two nights ago and I do feel that I'm sleeping better. It isn't taking me very long to fall asleep (before, it was about 2 hours) and I'm only waking up once. And after I wake up, I'm okay to fall back asleep within 30 minutes. My mood feels better. However yesterday, I was pretty irritable. I think the stress of finals was getting to me though. Today, after rest and relaxation, I'm fine.

We'll continue to see how all of this goes for me. With the yeast free diet finished in a month and a half, hopefully the hard part of this program will be completely out of my mind. Otherwise, I just need to remember to take all these pills. So far I'm doing alright and trying to make it a total habit.

new treatments

2008-04-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

I am one week away from my next doctor's appointment. This is a new and alternative doctor. The Hotze Wellness Clinic focuses on bioidentical hormones and natural supplements to fix many issues including allergies and hypothyroidism. Specifically, I'm going to be treated for hypothyroidism and hormone imbalance. This doctor believes in listening to the patient's symptoms instead of reading a lab test to determine a diagnosis (amen to that!).

I read his book a couple of weeks ago. Most of it made sense. Actually, all of it did. It's exactly what God wanted our bodies to do. It's the way that we are made and supposed to work and feel. But somewhere along the way, our bodies have been polluted with prescriptions, processed foods, emissions, and the eternal downfall of humankind. So Dr. Hotze and his clinic strive to restore the balance in the body. It's not holistic. It's not that alternative. He is a licensed MD and has been practicing for many years. It's new treatment. Something different. Something I've never tried before. And as you can tell, I've tried a lot. And I've been disappointed a lot.

This treatment claims high success rates. And of course, the logical sense that it's how God wanted my body to work. But there is still a large part of me that tells me it may not work. Afterall, I've seen many doctors and tried many treatments, always ending up in the same place I started out. So who is to say this one is so different? How can I trust this will be different than all the others?

I don't think anyone can really change my mind (or bring me fully to the other side) that this is my answer. However, that doesn't mean I'm saying it won't work. I'm saying that I'm not positive it will. I believe it can. I believe it may not. I refuse to set my heart and soul on something that has disappointed me many times before. The disappointment of counting on something is much greater than the disappointment of realizing I was right.

getting behind

2008-04-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

i think one of the worst "side effects" of being sick is how behind i get when i have bad days/weeks. for instance, in the last week i've missed 6 classes (and possibly 7 today with how i'm feeling). luckily, i'm good at teaching myself and catching up. but there are certain things i can't teach myself and bottom line just set me back. right before finals.

this week i'm still feeling bad, but i know that i have to start studying and catching myself up or i'm going to end up with much lower grades than i want to accept. i realize i have a health issue and i can't change that fact. but that doesn't mean i'm going to settle for a B when i could have an A or settle for a C when i could have a B. sure it's only one grade, but that's a big difference in my life. a C might as well be failing. and it completely messes up my gpa, which limits me in where i can transfer to or where i could potentially go to graduate school. when i'm applying, those schools won't excuse me for being sick and having sucky grades.

the other aspect is work. i blog. right now, i'm very behind on my monthly quota. granted, i won't lose my job or anything. but i do get a smaller paycheck. and my inbox is piled high with emails from the website i manage...i can't ignore my inbox creeping up on 100. as bad as i feel, as much as it sucks to be sitting or even laying, i still have to persist.

so this isn't just like i have a few symptoms and my life is barely affected. obviously, my life is greatly affected by my symptoms. my life is much harder with these symptoms. if i wasn't sick, i'd be sitting in class taking my notes and completely concentrating. but right now, i'm not in class. i can't concentrate. i'm pumped full of pain medicine but still in pain. i'm tired. i'm just worn out. and really not wanting to even put on clothes to make it to class, much less comb my hair or put on makeup or carry a backpack.

i guess i'm complaining, which i hate to do. but sometimes i get so run down with all of this. and with the fact that nothing and no one can really help me. no matter the pain medicine i take, it doesn't work. no matter what i do or eat or try to think, i'm still sick. no matter the people that come around and try to take care of me, it isn't changing anything and really it isn't helping. i appreciate everyone's efforts, but sometimes it's so consuming to be sick that i get frustrated that nothing can help.

yesterday i layed on the floor feeling as if my insides were being ripped apart. i layed there, desperately praying that the pain would go away. i tried moving around, i tried laying down, i tried sleeping. yet nothing changed...and that's the most frustrating of all. to not be able to get away from the pain or fatigue. to not be able to get away so that i can get ahead.

am i alone in this?

2008-04-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

i'm 19. but i feel like i'm 99. i've felt this way since i was 17.

two years ago, my life turned upside down. it seemed that everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. it was one hit after another from the news of my father's affair to sexual harassment at work. then my health started failing.

it started out with my periods. for a couple years, they had been really off. i'd go months without having one. then when i did have one, it would be so incredibly painful. cramps to the point where i passed out. headaches for days. pms like you wouldn't believe. i guess during those years i didn't think much of it...too ashamed to talk of it or just not worried it could be serious. other girls i knew had period issues and were fine. but when i was 17, everything got worse. my cramps would last for over a week when i wasn't even bleeding. i started having mood swings, irritability and hot flashes. i felt like i was going into menopause. then my acne came full force. on top of that, i started noticing dark hair where a woman shouldn't have dark hair (my chin, my stomach). i gained a few pounds unexpectedly. so i tried out the doctor.

i started at my family doc. i thought it was polycystic ovarian syndrome (i had most of the symptoms). she told me that my hair growth was nothing (i was plucking nearly every day and still not able to keep up with my "beard") and that i wasn't fat enough to have pcos. just to shut me up, she ran a blood test and ultrasound and sent me to the obgyn. she also sent me to a psychiatrist to stop my mood swings (i never made that appointment). all the tests came back "normal" and the obgyn prescribed me a medicine used for menopausal women. i never even tried that prescription.

soon after these appointments, i noticed that i'd been having a lot of joint pain and just general fatigue. i could barely make it out of bed. i was just feeling crappy. not like i was about to turn 18 and head off to college. so i went to a rheumatologist. she was nice and ran a bunch of tests to rule out everything. when those came back normal, i was sent on my way with a muscle relaxant and an arthritic pain reliever. then my head started hurting. every day. migraines with nausea and sensitivity to sound. my next appointment was with the neurologist. she was also nice and ran more tests. an MRI showed there were no tumors and blood tests came back with a low B12 level but that's it. she sent me on my way with an antidepressant (to help me sleep) and migraine/tension headache medicine. i filled two of the prescriptions: the headache medicine and the muscle relaxant. they just made me tired. more so than i already was. the neurologist also sent me back to the rheumatologist who (at a loss for anything but needing something) diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and prescribed more medicines (that i didn't even try). i also saw two different dermatologists for the acne, who prescribed antibiotic treatment (which never worked but gave me plenty of urinary tract infections and yeast infections) and birth control.

i went off to college the spring after these appointments, heavy hearted that i didn't know what was wrong with my body but still felt horrible. i tried an internal medicine doctor in the college town i moved to. she ran more tests, came back with nothing and put me on an antidepressant. i tried it for a month, feeling so desperate to be fixed. during the time i was on it, i had two mental breakdowns (2 in a 30 day period compared to maybe 2 in a 90 day period). needless to say, i went off them.

when i went back home for the summer, i tried another obgyn. she didn't say much about the irregular periods. she prescribed birth control, which i started immediately. they say wait 3 months to let your body adjust. so i did. i waited and waited. by the 6th month, my body was the same as it ever was. my cramps were worse now because i was having them every month instead of intermittently. there was horrible nausea. plus i was craving so many horrible, fattening foods (didn't happen as much when i wasn't on the pill). i'm sure i gained 5 pounds just from the pill. so i went off that as well.

two months after going off the pill (which brings me to the present), i got severe pain in my sides. within 24 hours, it progressed to horrible stabbing pain on my right side. i went in for an emergency ultrasound only to find out i had ovarian cysts and one ruptured. now i've finally been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (the first thing i went in for!!!!) which is now called anovulatory syndrome (basically, i'm infertile at the moment). with the arrival of this news, i have been prescribed a different birth control (the 4 period a year one to lessen the days i'm indisposed) with narcotic pain killers. so far, i haven't filled either. i'll tolerate the pain over putting their meds in my bodies. and the birth control is known to cause months of breakthrough bleeding (which i'd prefer not to have!).

here we are, in the now, and i'm still having all these issues. yet i've seen a total of 8 separate doctors with multiple appointments with most of them. and tried many of their prescriptions. only to be stuck at the same point in time. i'm not any better. granted, i'm not getting much worse. my periods obviously are. and my acne/hair growth have their days. but overall, i'm stagnant. i'm stuck in this spot of being 19 years old and feeling 99. the saddest part of this all is that i know i'm not alone. i know there are other women out there who are 30 and feel 90 or 25 and feel 75. when we shouldn't. we should be in the prime of our lives, getting our degrees, making our way in the world, having kids, marrying amazing partners, traveling the globe. we shouldn't be worrying about packing our suitcase too much because the muscle weakness leaves us unable to lift much. we shouldn't be confined to our beds every month because of severe cramping and heavy clotting. we just shouldn't.