getting behind

i think one of the worst "side effects" of being sick is how behind i get when i have bad days/weeks. for instance, in the last week i've missed 6 classes (and possibly 7 today with how i'm feeling). luckily, i'm good at teaching myself and catching up. but there are certain things i can't teach myself and bottom line just set me back. right before finals.

this week i'm still feeling bad, but i know that i have to start studying and catching myself up or i'm going to end up with much lower grades than i want to accept. i realize i have a health issue and i can't change that fact. but that doesn't mean i'm going to settle for a B when i could have an A or settle for a C when i could have a B. sure it's only one grade, but that's a big difference in my life. a C might as well be failing. and it completely messes up my gpa, which limits me in where i can transfer to or where i could potentially go to graduate school. when i'm applying, those schools won't excuse me for being sick and having sucky grades.

the other aspect is work. i blog. right now, i'm very behind on my monthly quota. granted, i won't lose my job or anything. but i do get a smaller paycheck. and my inbox is piled high with emails from the website i manage...i can't ignore my inbox creeping up on 100. as bad as i feel, as much as it sucks to be sitting or even laying, i still have to persist.

so this isn't just like i have a few symptoms and my life is barely affected. obviously, my life is greatly affected by my symptoms. my life is much harder with these symptoms. if i wasn't sick, i'd be sitting in class taking my notes and completely concentrating. but right now, i'm not in class. i can't concentrate. i'm pumped full of pain medicine but still in pain. i'm tired. i'm just worn out. and really not wanting to even put on clothes to make it to class, much less comb my hair or put on makeup or carry a backpack.

i guess i'm complaining, which i hate to do. but sometimes i get so run down with all of this. and with the fact that nothing and no one can really help me. no matter the pain medicine i take, it doesn't work. no matter what i do or eat or try to think, i'm still sick. no matter the people that come around and try to take care of me, it isn't changing anything and really it isn't helping. i appreciate everyone's efforts, but sometimes it's so consuming to be sick that i get frustrated that nothing can help.

yesterday i layed on the floor feeling as if my insides were being ripped apart. i layed there, desperately praying that the pain would go away. i tried moving around, i tried laying down, i tried sleeping. yet nothing changed...and that's the most frustrating of all. to not be able to get away from the pain or fatigue. to not be able to get away so that i can get ahead.