The Need for a Child

There are two sides to this aspect of the story. There's a positive, there's a negative. There's everything in between.

I'm talking about the absolute, overwhelming need for me to be a mom. Since I was little, like many other girls, I carried around baby dolls, dressed the cats up and held them like an infant and dreamed of the day I got to be the mom. My dreams and pretend life went deeper than most other girls. This wasn't just a role I was socialized to fill. This wasn't just a job that I idolized because I wanted to be like my own mother. This was a need, a longing, a love. The kind of need and longing you have that cannot be filled by any other thing except that thing. The kind that leaves you incomplete until it's come to pass.

Being diabetic, it's always been realistic for me to think that getting pregnant and fulfilling my need could be difficult. It's always been a fear that I woudn't be able to carry a pregnancy to full term. The risk for micarriage and premature birth as a diabetic is not minimal.

But with the recent developments in my health, a new fear and a new reality has hit me. Anovulatory syndrome (or polycystic ovarian syndrome) is plainly a lack of ovulation in my body. It doesn't make it impossible to conceive or impossible to carry the baby to term. I am not saying it's impossible. But I am saying that it adds to the risk of miscarriage, infertility and premature birth.

If I add both diabetes and anovulatory syndrome into my baby need, I'm not looking at such an easy or bright future in pregnancies. Oddly, I'm not as upset about that as I expected myself to be. Maybe because there is still hope in my mind. Maybe once I actually start trying to conceive and nothing happens or I have a miscarriage, maybe then it will hit me.

The other side of this story is the genetics and the risk on my own body. Should I even have a baby? Should I put myself through that? Should I put a baby through that? Should I risk my life with the complications that will arise? Should I risk a baby's life as it has to fight against diabetes and anovulatory syndrome?

This is the side of the story I'm not comfortable with. It's the side of the story that everyone's opinion differs on, even my own opinion differs on. There are options if I choose not to have a baby myself (surrogacy, adoption). But that doesn't fill my need to have a child myself. Yet it also leaves my conscious unclear as to what the best option is for myself, my child and my family.

Only time will tell if these medicines straighten my anovulatory syndrome out. Only time will tell what my future husband thinks of the risk, pregnancy, adoption. Only time will tell.

Falling Back

The past few days have been pretty disappointing. I'm feeling like I used to feel every day. The nausea, the joint pain, the headaches, the fatigue, everything.

I was driving home from work yesterday and could barely keep my eyes open. I slept over seven hours, so there was no reason for me to be so tired. Especially when driving in rush hour traffic. Luckily, I made it home safely.

I had some chest pain Thursday night as well, which was very bothersome and a little frightening. It wasn't like the panic/anxiety pain I'd felt before (which was centered in my chest beneath my breast bone). This was to the left, almost completely on the side of my rib cage. It lasted a few hours, went away, then came back for a little while longer. I haven't felt over stressed, or really stressed at all, so I can't seem to put the pieces together.

It's like all these medications aren't helping at all. I know they quoted me two to three months before feeling better, but it's been almost a month now and I feel the same. I wanted to have a slight difference, something to give me hope. Everyone was hoping for that, everyone is mad that it isn't working yet.

The fact that other people are mad about me not getting better is kind of upsetting. I do feel that my health has become this ordeal, that people are worried and concerned for no reason. I feel like a burden at times, other times I feel like I should keep it quiet more than I already do. I should just get over it. But I realize that those are just human reactions. I deserve to be honest about my health. I shouldn't have to hide the fact that I'm in pain or tired or just feeling down.

If I just could see a glimpse of hope from these medications. I'm starting the yeast free diet in June, so I'll be eating better and detoxing my body for a month. I should feel worse at that point, then better after about the third week. Or so I've been told. After that, I hope I feel considerably better.

I promise myself that I will give this at least three months (so three complete rounds of medicine) before even thinking about giving up. After three months, if I don't feel any different or better, I have a doctors appointment with them and I'll discuss going off of everything. I feel that six months is a decent deadline. By six months, the medicine should be working to some extent. I don't feel that's too much to ask. I don't see that people would pay for this treatment (it's quite expensive) if it didn't work faster than half a year. We'll see. As of now, I refuse to give up some hope, but I'm still not settling that it's certainly going to work.

Progress Or Not

Last week I had to cut down the thyroid medicine that I'm on because I randomly got heart palpitations (something I'd never experienced before). So now I'm back on it, but starting slower. It really frustrated me because now I'm set further back from increasing the doses and getting better.

I haven't felt any significant change in any area. I am sleeping longer and waking up less, but still not feeling all that rested when I wake. My joint pain is still there. I'm getting headaches on a regular basis. And my first period since starting is already late.

I did receive the test results yesterday from the doctor, which was kind of informing. My Vitamin D levels are low, as well as my cortisol levels. So I do have the adrenal fatigue as well as borderline Vitamin D deficiency. For some reason, my vitamin levels seem to run low (at least the ones that they've checked) because my B12 was low last year too. I'm not surprised that my D is low because it's hard to obtain enough from food and I never go out into the sun much (too fair skinned to do that). The B12, I thought it was an absorption problem because I eat enough of the foods that contain the B12.

I've yet to start the yeast free diet. I keep putting it off because it's going to be very difficult. I can't do it exactly like they want to, so I keep thinking to myself, "What's the point?" But I guess a closer diet to the yeast free would be better than my regular diet. I don't eat poorly, but I don't refrain from most things that I want.

I haven't lost any weight either, which I'm very disappointed in. I was expecting to at least drop some pounds. I'm not eating as much lately because I feel full faster (I think that's from the progesterone). And I increased my exercise some.

Overall, I'm just disappointed that I haven't felt much change. I know they said it would take a few months to truly see and feel a change, but I was just wanting to feel something different. Something better.

We'll continue to watch it and see what happens.

starting on the program

The doctor went well. I am on so many medications now though, that I'm not sure how I feel about it all. All the medications are natural, so I'm not worried about putting things in my body that shouldn't be there. I'm just kind of aggravated that I'm having to take so many pills a day. Here's the run down of what I'll eventually be taking (they start slow so I add each thing one day at a time):

Morning: thyroid, progesterone (2 weeks out of the month), 2 cortisol, 2 vitamin D, fish oil, ioderal, multi-vitamin, 2 inositol

Evening: multi-vitamin, progesterone (still 2 weeks out of the month), 2 vitamin D, fish oil, 2 inositol

Bedtime: 2 5-HTP

There are also several pills that I will be on for a month while I do a kind of detox program (yeast free diet). But since they are only a month, I'm not putting them on here in detail. Those are an added 12 pills a day though.

So far, I don't feel much of a difference. All the hormone levels are starting out on the first level and I'm supposed to increase every couple of weeks until I feel good. I started the 5-HTP two nights ago and I do feel that I'm sleeping better. It isn't taking me very long to fall asleep (before, it was about 2 hours) and I'm only waking up once. And after I wake up, I'm okay to fall back asleep within 30 minutes. My mood feels better. However yesterday, I was pretty irritable. I think the stress of finals was getting to me though. Today, after rest and relaxation, I'm fine.

We'll continue to see how all of this goes for me. With the yeast free diet finished in a month and a half, hopefully the hard part of this program will be completely out of my mind. Otherwise, I just need to remember to take all these pills. So far I'm doing alright and trying to make it a total habit.