When I Just Want to Sleep

Lately, I've felt incredibly and unexplainably tired. I'm sleeping enough (not sure how well I'm sleeping though). But I just feel like all I want to do is sleep.

The diet is going. That's about all I can say. I made a lot of my own changes to what I could or could not eat, and I've splurged quite often but not too often. It's been a wreck on my blood sugars (having me run low constantly or high for days). It's just a balancing act, but I will certainly be glad when I'm not concerned about what I eat.

I want to eat fairly close to the diet after it's done (July 1) just because it will be better for my health and weight. But I don't want to be tied down to having to eat certain things or not eat certain things. The guilt gets to me.

I am noticing some more differences in my health (maybe they are all in my head, but who knows really?) I feel like my hair is slowly looking better and falling out less. My skin is better, but not perfect and definitely goes back and forth. Everything else seems about the same.

I'm still holding out till I go to the appointment (and I have a few calls and medicine changes in the coming weeks) to see what this is all going to do. I really would like to be healthy, but I still just can't settle on it being done. It doesn't seem fathomable. And it seems like SOOO much work to get there and stay there (the diet, the pills, the habits). I don't think any of this would be as bad if I didn't already have diabetes to deal with. That is such a daily hassle that it's like, seriously...what else can you throw at me? Want to challenge me? See if I'll break?

Go ahead.

You're WHAT?!?!?!

Dieting.

That's right, a diet. I'm on the yeast free diet portion of the program through Hotze Health and Wellness Clinic.

I'm eating mostly fruit and vegetables, nuts, grilled chicken, turkey meat, brown rice, red or sweet potatoes. I'm not allowed to have anything with vinegar, dairy products of any kind, artificial sweeteners, sugar, yeast (obviously!) and a whole list of other things.

So far I've splurged a few times and had ice cream. Dairy, sugar and fat. OH MY!!! But I don't particularly care (okay, maybe a little). I want this diet to work, but at the same time I'm struggling with it.

My blood sugars are either low or somewhere between 150 and 180. I can't seem to get my insulin adjustments made where I don't end up in one extreme or the other. It's quite frustrating. If only I wasn't diabetic.....yes, that's another thought.

I don't feel any physical relief of symptoms (but I'm only on day five). I have noticed a little change in my weight, just that it isn't jumping five pounds in one day. I think the most I've gained in one day was two. And I'm drinking gallons and gallons of water!

Since this week, I started back in my work out routine (I'm aiming for working out 2 times a week and fast walking 3 times a week), I feel that I might just actually lose some weight. I mean I'm barely eating any calories and working out! How could I not?

I'm crossing my fingers this whole thing is worth it. Until July 1st I'll be strictly on this diet (minus my slips with the ice cream), so for a month of torture, I better see some dang results!!!

Difference(s)

Shortly before starting the new treatment, I was noticing that I would often be hungry. It was not normal, growing/starving college kid hunger. It happened every few hours despite what I had eaten throughout the day. It was also very prevalent about 30 minutes after a meal.

I watched for blood sugar trends during these times, but nothing seemed to be off kilter. I couldn't pin point it to stress, exhaustion, dehydration, or any other "normal" cause for hunger. I was getting my daily caloric intake, mostly in filling foods. I wasn't particularly gaining weight because of it. Most of the time, I wouldn't eat except for my 3 basic meals a day and a few snacks. This growling, distracting hunger would go unquenched.

Once I started the treatment, my hunger suddenly disappeared. I would feel full. I wouldn't be hungry directly after eating a good meal. I could eat and enjoy life without hearing that growling pit.

After two weeks on the progesterone, I had to go off. (It's given cyclical so you're on it for two weeks and then go off for two and so on and on.) These are the weeks that I am off the progesterone.

And guess who is back? My hunger! So I have finally noted a major difference that can be celebrated! I'm hoping that as time goes on and we continue to increase the progesterone, my hunger will fade completely during all four weeks of the month instead of just the two progesterone filled ones.

It is nice to note a difference, however still disappointing that my major issues (weight loss, acne, hair growth, irregular/painful periods, fatigue) have not been overcome.

The Need for a Child

There are two sides to this aspect of the story. There's a positive, there's a negative. There's everything in between.

I'm talking about the absolute, overwhelming need for me to be a mom. Since I was little, like many other girls, I carried around baby dolls, dressed the cats up and held them like an infant and dreamed of the day I got to be the mom. My dreams and pretend life went deeper than most other girls. This wasn't just a role I was socialized to fill. This wasn't just a job that I idolized because I wanted to be like my own mother. This was a need, a longing, a love. The kind of need and longing you have that cannot be filled by any other thing except that thing. The kind that leaves you incomplete until it's come to pass.

Being diabetic, it's always been realistic for me to think that getting pregnant and fulfilling my need could be difficult. It's always been a fear that I woudn't be able to carry a pregnancy to full term. The risk for micarriage and premature birth as a diabetic is not minimal.

But with the recent developments in my health, a new fear and a new reality has hit me. Anovulatory syndrome (or polycystic ovarian syndrome) is plainly a lack of ovulation in my body. It doesn't make it impossible to conceive or impossible to carry the baby to term. I am not saying it's impossible. But I am saying that it adds to the risk of miscarriage, infertility and premature birth.

If I add both diabetes and anovulatory syndrome into my baby need, I'm not looking at such an easy or bright future in pregnancies. Oddly, I'm not as upset about that as I expected myself to be. Maybe because there is still hope in my mind. Maybe once I actually start trying to conceive and nothing happens or I have a miscarriage, maybe then it will hit me.

The other side of this story is the genetics and the risk on my own body. Should I even have a baby? Should I put myself through that? Should I put a baby through that? Should I risk my life with the complications that will arise? Should I risk a baby's life as it has to fight against diabetes and anovulatory syndrome?

This is the side of the story I'm not comfortable with. It's the side of the story that everyone's opinion differs on, even my own opinion differs on. There are options if I choose not to have a baby myself (surrogacy, adoption). But that doesn't fill my need to have a child myself. Yet it also leaves my conscious unclear as to what the best option is for myself, my child and my family.

Only time will tell if these medicines straighten my anovulatory syndrome out. Only time will tell what my future husband thinks of the risk, pregnancy, adoption. Only time will tell.